Not only did we take a lot of pictures, but we got some video too. That's right knee-grows, hear me speak through the magic of the internet! Video links are in blue. Click the thumbnails for larger pics. 

Excuse me, did this forest just get a little sexier in here when I made this face?

How about now?

Video of me making fun of Robert Smith. Timeless humor for 1992.

The lighting on this one was good. Too bad my camera is a suckass piece of donkey shit, wrapped in some dried chicken shit, then pounded flat and served on a plate made of hardened gorilla shit. Do NOT buy Sony ANYTHING. 

Fucking goths always look so romantic in forests. Why doesn't anyone ever look vaguely lost or confused!? Well I'll solve that shit right now. Here's a picture of exactly that.

This forest is too much metal for one hand.

Stomping nature the good old fashioned way. 

Mike in Downtown Chicago.

The Alley. I remember going here back in 1994 and they had a mid 70's S&S hearse outside, it was nice until about 150 dumbasses who can't navigate a parking lot ran into it.

A bunch of skull shit. Can you ever get enough skull shit? I think not.

Random guy with cool hair downtown. He seemed quite the nice fellow.

Mike after Subway.

Next it was on to Medieval Times, a truly kick ass dinner experience where men beat each other with heavy weaponry. It whomped ass. 

You're not supposed to stand on this...

Ye Olde Happy Gilmore.

My niece Lydia. She is awesome. 

My sister Lil and I. The opposite of Huzzah to all ye mother fuckers!

Nothing says "Historic Authenticity" like $750,000 in computer controlled DMX lighting. Huzzah!

They make you sit through like half an hour of faggoty ass horse pagentry shit before they get down to men beaning other men with swords. Horses jumping, horses prancing, horses mincing. Fuck that shit! Oh yeah, they have a bird too. The funny thing is, they go on and on about how great and how smart this bird is while it is flying around the arena. Hey, if that bird is so smart, how did it get it's ass clowned into working at Medieval Times, huh!? 

Ye Olde Magician.

Video of some guy getting a two foot kick, which I didn't actually know was possible to administer, but apparently is and was used extensively throughout the middle ages to solve disputes that arose over getting some under aged princesses attention. 

Video of someone getting their shit ruined by a guy with a spear...

This guy totally pissed off the King with some grade A bullshit and got...

Here's a picture of the King's Master of Arms or something, totally getting his shit pushed in for being a treacherous dick. They make it pretty clear that if you cross the King at Medieval times, he will spare no hole from getting punched, so you'd better fucking respect his shit.

Click here for a video of this guy getting whipped

About an hour outside of Chicago the truck nearly launched itself off the road and couldn't do any speed above 50. So, after talking to someone who sounded like a retarded Samoan on the phone at Uhaul for 10 minutes we pulled over and decided to figure out what the problem was ourselves. Apparently my question of "Hey, this truck is all over the road and it is not over loaded, do you know what the problem could be, or can you connect me with someone who has maintenance experience?" was way, way, WAY beyond the comprehension of the phone monkeys at Uhaul. This is a picture of Mike advising them that no, sending out a mechanic in another 12 hours will NOT be fucking acceptable.

Incidentally, we did figure out the problem on our own. One of the tires was wearing in some weird ass way internally. On the outside it seemed fine, but it stayed hot for about 10 minutes after the other tires had cooled down, and smelled a little too fresh. When the mechanic got there we basically told him what the deal was, he fixed it and we were on our merry way.

Standing around at the Oasis stop. Being stranded AND sexy is a tall task, but Mike and I were up for it.

Hello, Sepia Tones? Can you sexify this jpeg another 10 degrees? Thank you.

On the road again.

Video of me trying to throw a peanut butter and jelly sammich to Mike from the truck at 55mph. This isn't really an easy operation.

This here is a...uh...well, it is this big...bridge, sort of, out in the middle of Nebraska. They built it as a tourist attraction. They also put up a bunch of signs stating that, in no uncertain terms, your stupid ass is NOT supposed to stop on the side of the road an gawk at it, which if you think about it, really runs contrary to what you are traditionally supposed to do at tourist attractions. I mean, under normal circumstances, you want as many slack jawed, out of state losers that you can cram into you your crappy, lame excuse for entertainment that you can get, but I suppose that is just not the way they do things in Nebraska. They're apparently new at this tourist thing. I gather that most peoples perception of Nebraska is that it is one of those places that you tend to get the fuck out of as quickly as possible, not stop and make extra time for yourself in.

Foolish Nebraskans. Did not the tower of Babel teach us not to aspire to reach the face of God in the heavens? Nice skyscraper.

Creepy ass church. You know, I mean just KNOW that some butt sexing has gone on in a place like that, and not all of it was consentual.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! I got's me Aerosmith lips!