"Gosh darn, I said it feels so right, settin' off explosives on a
Saturday night"
-Doctor Steel, the official music of Destructacon...
50 years ago everyone in the United States looked forward to the 4th of July.
Why? Because that's when it still rocked. That was before this country became a
cesspool of litigious assholes who sued every time some moron burnt themselves
with an M-80. It's fucking sad really. We've become a nation wherein all the
real threats to our life are so distant, that we have to micromanage the nominal
ones that remain, the things that any normal American with a brain roughly the
size of a quark should be able to handle, such as fireworks.
The U.S government seems to think I can't handle fireworks here in good old
Colorado, that they should be stepping in and telling me what I can or cannot
handle.
All across the nation this is the case. Hell, even sparklers are outlawed in
many places these days. SPARKLERS for fuck sakes. The firework you give to
children and retards because even THEY can handle it.
The vast majority of Americans probably took this shaft with no complaints or
resistance this 4th of July. Most everyone out there probably thought it sucked,
but did nothing to combat it. Everyone except for the Agents
of SORP. While the rest of you were busy having the pussiest Independence
Day celebrations in the history of our country, sitting around eating crappy
burgers and watching other people, trained professionals, setting off fireworks
for you, SORP was doing it the old school way. The U.S. government thinks we
shouldn't have fireworks? Then fine, fuck you chumps. We'll make our own
explosives. We'll make our own damned rockets. Hell, it's not rocket
science...oh shit, I guess technically it WOULD be rocket science, but that's
beside the point. Point is, outlaw everything you guys want. Make it as
difficult to get professionally crafted explosives as you like, we'll just go
out and make our own. You can't stop us from potentially maiming our party
patrons. It's a god given right you bastards.
We took matters into our own hands and Destructacon stands in stark defiance. Here is a celebration wherein there
are no warnings, no helpful reminders, and no safety. All attendees are
encouraged to take part in destroying anything they wish, but computer monitors,
televisions and stuffed animals are a favorite.
This year, some of our star destructive devices included...
AFTERMATH! A tripode mounted flamethrower and rocket launcher. Laser guided and weighing nearly 100 pounds, screw the Wu Tang Clan, Aftermath aint nothing to fuck with.
Consisting of 1,000 sparklers and combusting at 1 degree for every single one of them, Awesometron provided a ground scorching experience! See it in the Destructacon video which is downloadable below.
And of course, our old favorite weapon of Ass Destruction....
EXCLOBBERER! Given to me by some bitch in a lake, Exclobberer will push your shit in with a vengeance. Screw your hippy ass fancy swords, this thing will deal destruction and beaning like no other. For a video of the entire event, CLICK HERE
...
An event like Destructacon does not just HAPPEN however. It takes lots of planning to get an event together in which we combine the supple elements of fire, explosions, complete disregard for safety, hot goth chicks with guns, and of course the ever present threat of personal mutilation and maiming with unshielded machinery.
Let's start at the beginning of our week. The first thing you always need is metal. The best way to go about getting metal is to drive around aimlessly looking on the side of the road for anything that has been discarded or hit by a drunk and knocked out of the ground (such as road signs, light poles, toll booth attendants) legally, anything that has been hit by a drunk is yours according to my personal viewpoints. We call this little process "Metal Reclamation Day"
Mike getting fueled up. This is by far the most intense look ever held by a
man eating a cheeseburger. Ever.
A 1967 Superior 3 way hearse for sale we saw while cruising around.
About 3 hours into the metal reclamation mission, we found these! About $120
worth of box steel tubing. We checked with the business and confirmed that this
was not something they needed and were indeed throwing away, and now it is time
to get it all in the truck!
Breaking some of the weaker points after cutting most of the way through.
Yes, check it out ladies, see those manly biceps rippling! A goth with muscles?
You'd better believe it.
Gutting some old casings. Even with weight reduction the end product was
about 100 pounds.
Mounting the gun to the tripod. Because people always ask what I look like
without my mohawk up, this is your answer.
Once again, for a video of all the happenings, CLICK
HERE it is a BIG ASS movie, so it will take some time but it is worth it.
Firing and ready for Destruction.
Me, tamping flash paper in the rockets. Incidentally, this rocket connected
with the target and then continued flying well into a neighbors yard 2 houses
down before detonating.
Chicago Mike and I wiring up the first rocket.
The rocket was then of course doused with denatured alcohol and lit on fire.
The important message here is that you can never have too much fire. Your gun
should be on fire, your target should be on fire, and most of all, the rockets
you are firing should be on fire just for good measure. Depending on your
accuracy, your guests may occasionally be on fire too. That part is optional.
Aftermath aimed at the targets...
Mike approaching the target range.
Just a nice picture of the monitors burning.
Now it's time for something every party needs. Hot goth chicks posing with guns!
Hot lesbian action...always a crowd pleaser.
Important PSA from the Denver PD.
The PAC 5 air cannon. Capable of firing a D cell battery through a garage
door.
Lighting a cigarette on the flamethrower
Sculpture inside of Hearse House
After the event. Pretty dirty.