My name is Zachary Byron Helm.

I have always enjoyed the voyeuristic pleasure that comes from perusing other people's websites and online journals, which is why this webpage is here. I think deep down everyone likes seeing as much as they can about how another person lives, especially if they perceive that person to have interesting attributes or live a life that is diametrically different to themselves and yet are still fascinated by it. That is why I put my page up on the web, to feed that need in others like me who enjoy, at least on some small level, indulging in someone else's lifestyle. So a little about me...

 I started the Denver Hearse Association in 1996 with Jeff Brown back when we were certain that there were only two freaks driving hearses in the entire state of Colorado. I am currently the Life Dictator Supreme of the club. 

I am a Goth. There are a whole lot of people out there who have black hair, shaved heads, and wear a lot of black lipstick and fishnet, yet who do not want to be called Goth and feel it is an insult to be categorized. I am not one of those people. Categories are a part of life people, get over it. You and I both will be extremely lucky if we ever accomplish something that no one has ever done on this planet before us. For more of my self righteous views on goth go here.

Want to know what I am like, personally? What kind of messed up things I think about on an almost non-stop basis? Why I freaking HATE Shriners? Click this link:

This is the Agents of S.O.R.P.

You can also check out my writings by clicking here most of it was influenced by Dave Barry, Dennis Leary and a few others.

I have a few goals in life. Some of them have been met, like starting a hearse club, becoming a DJ, owning a hearse, and being who I am today. Others have yet to be met, but I am well on my way. My other life goals: 

1. Become a famous film director, and not the shitty Steven Spielberg/Stanley Kubric over rated psuedo intellectual kind either. 

2. I have this rubber band ball at my work that I add several more packs of rubber bands to a month. It is about 7 pounds right now. Once it reaches a diameter of four feet I plan to drive it up to the worlds highest suspension bridge (The Royal Gorge Bridge, located here in Colorado) and throw it off the side. I don't care if I get incarcerated, it will be worth it just to see if it bounces back up at me, or just creates a smoking crater in the Earth.

3. Become so famous that when I die, other people who have never met me kill themselves out of grief. Elvis Presley and James Dean both accomplished this goal, so I figure, hey, it's worth a shot.

4. Become so rich that my wealth exceeds that of Bill Gates. Use all my money to buy a ten mile strip of land that extends clear across the United states from the bottom of Texas all the way to Canada. Then secede from the union, close my borders and declare all the air space above my independent country a 'No Fly Zone' and threaten Canada with military action if they let people use their country to bypass my land mass. The only way to get from say, Lincoln Nebraska to Omaha would be to either go all the way around the entire planet or to break the orbit of the Earth and go over my land. 

5. Seize control of the entire world for three days. That would be so cool.

6. Figure out what that damned squeaking sound is coming from my front passenger side suspension.

7. Have you ever seen that movie Zoolander? If so, there is this part in the movie where every time this one male model named Hansel walks into the room, someone whispers to the person next to them "Hansel... so hot right now" I will be truly happy if I can get people to start saying " hot right now." on a regular basis.


The religion link on the main page gives you a little insight into what I think about other religions, personally I am a practicing Laveyan Satanist as well as a practitioner of the Law of Attraction. I don't seek to convert anyone and I don't push my views, but if you are interested in learning more about a widely misinterpreted religion (as most of them are) visit the Church of Satan 

My life story (The early years and finding new life in Goth)

So what is your deal on drugs?

Want to know how I do my hair? No!?!? Well click here anyway

Other places you may have seen me:

All over the damned internet, local television, and a whole shit ton of pictures that went out on Reuters.

Stuff for Men Magazine. Since I get asked this a lot I will answer the question of why. Why would a got appear in pretty much the biggest jock/frat boy style magazine ever? Well one because they offered it and it seemed like getting more media would be fun. They were also by far the most professional photographers and writers I have dealt with. They freaking rocked.

Clubs- Ground Zero, Denver Colorado

The Gallery, Lakewood Colorado (DJ)

The Rock Cafe, Aurora Colorado (DJ)

Shockwave, Denver Colorado (My club, DJ)

Onyx, Denver Colorado, DJ Wednesday nights with Amy

Rising Phoenix (More times than I would like to remember)

The Underground, Colorado Springs Colorado

Alcatrazz, Chicago Illinois

Neo, Chicago Illinois

Perversion, Hollywood California

City Club, Detroit Michigan

Television/movies- Strangeland the movie (I was an extra in the dance club scene, VERY small)

Jenny Jones (Halloween makeover show, hey give me a little slack, they paid for the airfare, food, and hotel)

Channel 7 (Various coverage of the DHA)

The History Channel (Not sure what show, did an interview at the Emma Crawford casket races, never saw the footage)

The Discovery Channel (Weird Wheels Show)

Teletunes (Local music tv show)


Again, if you really want to know all that there is to know about me, then you can go to the Agents of SORP. This is my site that is pretty much about every single random thought I have ever had. It is in short a secret society started by myself and Alex Can't Sleep for people who are above average intelligence and below average judgement with the ultimate goal of world annihilation, but beyond that, there is not much of a description that could do it justice, you just have to see it to understand it! Click the SORP link to go there!



Go to the Agents of SORP page


Back to Dead Stars

Days of no horizon
Claustrophobia Conditioned air

Don't crash - no flowers for you
Don't crash - no regrets

Gushing waters Forcing it down
Days stars final flicker urging on the break of dawn

Stand fast - voices screech below
Stand fast - no clemency

Panic stricken faces
Diving further down into hell

Timeless terror is taking over
Throbbing hearts and restless bones - melted into one
Stand fast - voices screech below
Stand fast - no clemency

Breath slowly fading
Partly anger - partly stress
Stand fast - air is sparse below
Stand fast - no clemency
Been detected
Losing power
Deeper down we grovel on our sweating bending knees

Don't crash - no flowers for you
Don't crash - no regrets
Last moment cries on the radio
It's so hot down here
Crushing metal bloody waters
Same faces everywhere
Now the anger is fading
Now the fight can't go on
We'll always be remembered
We'll always be dismembered

Days of no horizon...

-Front 242

If you bothered to scroll all the way down here...want to hear some funny shit? Out here in Colorado I am driving along and I see something, that if I was locked in a room for 100 year and forced to think of nothing but the gayest, least useful retail outlet possible, I STILL would not have thought of: A log furniture store... Now, is it just me or does that not seem like the last thing you'd ever need? "Hey hon' I just got that big promotion at work, let's go out and buy that couch made from fucking LOGS we always dreamed of!" is probably not something you hear a lot in suburban America today. I mean, was not part of the benefit of the industrial revolution the fact that we stopped making our shit out of logs? We stopped building log cabins, log outhouses, I mean, thankfully, I RARELY use a log in my day to day life and I am grateful. Now here is the thing that REALLY gets me, there are actually TWO LOG FURNITURE STORES in Colorado. In case, you needed to shop around before you committed to an unfinished lump of tree stump furniture. You didn't like the Earth-tones of the log credenza at Log World, so you cruise on over to Log Menagerie. Do you suppose that the two of them are involved in some bitter log-retail power struggle that no-one else in the entire world knows, or cares about? God. That would be to sad and stupid to even comprehend and the fact I even thought of it makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry like a bitch.

It's crazygonuts...